as good as it gets.

I'm afraid there is no escape let alone an "easy way out." People can say they understand and say they get what you mean. But they can't. No one can ever feel the exact way you do. Perhaps on a similar level, but everyones pain thresholds are different. I'll tell you right here and now that I'm a wimp, pretty pathetic too. I'm only human, so are you. We can't help it, we can't or we'd surely change everything. I can't comprehend many things, and I'm beginning to stop questioning them all and all. I waste too much time sitting at my computer desk zoned out at my Beatles poster thinking about things that will never effect me. And thinking about situations that I know will never happen. I can't say I don't try to think about other things. My mind wonders farther than my eyes can see. I've met too many people in my few years on this Earth to know that everyone hurts. I wish I could take away everyones burdens but I can't. I can't even soften my own. Reality has sunken in on me. People do change don't they? Yet I am beginning to believe they don't. You can't judge one from their past can you? I try not too. Everyone else does in heartbeat. We all deserve second chances but what happens when that second chance is drawn out into a fifth or even tenth? Who's to say where we need to draw the line. Is there even a line? It's one opinion versus another really. I've grown quite tired of giving everyone a new start each day. And of course, them taking advantage of that and pushing me just because they can. I'll admit, I'm a push over. I'm sure I could help it if I wanted. But the question is, why would I? Why wouldn't I. Summer seems to be the hardest times for me. Too much time on my hands, too many thoughts in my head, too many people to please, too much heat for my skin. I can't even take back the things I have done but I hope everyone will forgive me for what harm I've caused. I mean you can't say I've never tried.. Seriously..
I wake up every morning with a grueling stomach ache and a deep sigh of regret. I hate mornings, and awaking. I usually wake up late, half of my day wasted. And I usually awake from a better place, my dreams are bliss. But sometimes, I can't even escape to them- without fears following. Nightmares, due to all my stress. I lay in bed for hours anyways, tossing turning thinking. Sure read this and think I am whining, complaining, or being a little overreacting attention stared angst filled teenager. I really don't care anymore. Caring never really got me too far, except far into betrayal and just angry. Pretty sure I've never done a thing to deserve anything I do. The good and bad stuff. I'm sure everyone has met me and it'll all work out in some plan, or whatever they say. But I swear some people are less than useless. What are they going to do with their life but sit at home, smoke pot, get a chick pregnant? Pity a life was wasted. I can't dread on them I guess. I don't even know what I want to do with my own life, let alone what I am going to do this weekend. People are total dicks to me, and I'm about to start being one back not even caring where it gets me. I am fed up with everyone and their nonstop bullcrap. But it's whatever, they'll realize soon enough what they really mean to me. I'm opeing my eyes, better late than never, and I'm not going to take things for granted- if possible. I want to get out of this place, I'd love to go to California again. I'm dreading this summer already. The heat, the people, the nonstop boredom. I'll have nothing to occupy me for very long. Music and my racing perhaps. Elizabeth and Sumner will distract me, when they are with me. I guess all I can say is "We'll see..." and leave it at that..